Sibling Rivalry, Causes & Remedy.
Wikipedia describes sibling rivalry as
competition or animosity between children of the same family whether blood
related or not. Kids tend to fight over every little thing, whether toys, food
or attention.
Considering the fact that children tend
to spend more time together than with their parents, they share a lot of
experiences. If these experiences are negative and the parents do not notice
early enough to create a balance; they could create a history of hurting generations.
Is sibling rivalry normal?
From my point of view; No. just because it’s
a common attribute in many homes does not make it normal. Parents and guardians
should seek to re-unite and seal any loop holes that could cause that lasting
hatred that causes brothers and sisters to be distant and indifferent.
Here are some of the causes:
·
Parent conduct:
A feature in www.psychologytoday.com
explains that a child as young as 15 months is able to comprehend acts of
affection from a parent and even notice different expressions to another
sibling.
From eighteen months, children understand
how to comfort, revenge, protect and deceive each other. Their minds comprehend
much more than you could ever think.
If a parent is not keenly watching and
correcting any ill behavior equally for all children, there’s a high chance
that the lesser child will build a mechanism to fight back or shield himself
from any form of pain.
Parents should be extremely vigilant.
They should balance punishment and reward for all without favoring one child to
another.
·
Life occasions:
In most homes, when another child is
born, the older child is neglected and dethroned. The parents give the young
one almost 100% attention leaving the elder child lonely and un-attended. What they
forget is; the older child still has needs.
He still needs the attention, the play
time, the hugs and kisses. If these necessities are not provided, rivalry is
formed from that tender age and it could last a lifetime.
The younger child grows knowing she
deserves all the attention while their sibling can do without and therefore
extends the same treatment to the sibling. This creates an animosity that
neither the parents nor the siblings can resolve.
Another life occasion could be sickness,
where one child has a delicate condition that demands lots of attention and
therefore the ‘normal’ child gets zero time with her parents. In fact, some
parents widen the gap by hiring a nanny to cater for her needs for the sickly
child to get 101% attention.
Children milestones comparison could also
create rivalry as one child is applauded more than the other. Whose tooth came
out first, who crawled longer, who stood earlier and so forth.
Death can also be another cause of rivalry. In most cases, the parent will spend so much time mourning the departed child such that the surviving child hates the deceased or wishes she was the one who passed on.
·
Culture and family traditions:
You have heard of the neglected boy
child. Haven’t you? Because of the cultural belief that men are strong even
from a young age, you will find that the girls are pampered, bought more
things, exempted from most errands or taken to better schools.
As much as this may not affect all
families, it has caused differences in siblings who can no longer connect
because they feel one is more preferred to the other.
You could also find rivalry an issue in
families that have chosen a certain career line say, medicine. If the parents
and two children choose to be in the medical field while one child feels they
should follow their heart and practice law, the family could consciously or
un-consciously separate him and make him feel like an outsider.
The result is an obvious distance and a
lack of attention to the ‘black sheep’ of the family.
At this point, I know it sounds almost
un-avoidable. Isn’t it? Let me give you a few pointers on how to kill this giant.
1.
Stop the comparison: - Each
child is unique. Appreciate them as they are.
2.
Delete the labels: - You
can’t tell him, he’s lazy like his granny and expect the sister to respect him.
3.
Have house rules: - let everyone
be guided by the same rules, no favors.
4.
Plan to bond with each at a
time: - You can take the kids separately for a walk or play at the park. This
makes them feel there’s time for everyone.
5.
Use the conflicts creatively:
teach a lesson with each conflict.
6.
Applaud them together: catch them doing good
and let them hear you praise their good acts.
They are simple tactics; aren’t they? You
can try them and see if they work for you.
